My Brother's Peeper Keeper

Every time I read an article on the culture wars and our society's increasing sexualization of....everything....there are always comments about women's attire. Always the exhortation to "dress modestly" to protect the eyes and hearts of our menfolk. Well, damnit this grinds my gears, but not because I don't think we ought to help our brothers and sisters better themselves and admonish their faults, but because it makes me somehow responsible for someone's potentially deep-seated issue with lust. Think of the man who has looked at porn since childhood; his brain will respond differently to visual stimuli, to men and women, and alter nearly all of his relationships. His thoughts, conversation, and actions may all be bent toward scratching that festering but delicious itch of his lust. And you are telling me that wearing a maxi skirt everywhere is my duty to people like this? I mean, I'm all for dressing appropriately for situations - moral dilemma aside, a woman dressed like she is soliciting sex at, say, her kid's graduation, simply ain't got no class.

The tacky and immodestly dressed will always be among us. What to do?! While I am adorned in a long skirt (which frankly with my toned butt is not doing the men chained by lust any favors anyway) and cardigan, that "tramp" in the pew in front of us at Mass is showing FAR too much thigh. What can my husband do in the face of such temptation??

He can look away.

Yes, I just pinned responsibility for his thoughts and actions back on that man. My man. Your man. You and I. Miss Daisy Dukes isn't going anywhere, but he can move away or at least avert his eyes.  We cannot control the choices other people are making, but we darn well can control ourselves.

I struggle at times with letting my admiration of the human form  slide over into lust. Male, female - if there is a lot of exposed flesh, my eyes are riveted. I was in the gym when some big rugby tournament was on TV, and my treadmill was stationed directly in front of it. Almost imperceptibly, my pleasure in watching these masculine specimens hurl themselves at one another became an objectification. When I noticed it at first, I tried to laugh it off. Then I put myself in my husband's shoes; how would I feel if he were ogling beautiful women on TV? I knew exactly how I would feel - like I had been punched in the gut. Like the floor - and the important place I imagined I held in his heart - had collapsed beneath me. So I looked away.

I. Looked. Away.

I didn't complain to the manager for showing something provocative on TV, because who except a crazy person like me would be having an issue like this with a rugby match?! Lust can be so individual and take so many forms that it would be impossible to anticipate in one's dress or behavior what might or might not titillate another person. I also refrained from complaining to the woman on the treadmill next to me. It is likely that she was not having any issues whatsoever, though we were viewing the same game. If I had been unable to avert my eyes for some reason, I would have gotten on a different piece of equipment, or even left the gym. It was ultimately my responsibility to deal with my issue.

I think - and it's my blog so I get to say that often - that we should simply dress to suit the occasion. If we all hearken back to the classic rules of dress, this might not be so much of an issue. Of course, we also should embrace and respect the attire of other cultures, which may show more or less skin, colors, cuts, and fabrics. It is a wonderful and beautiful world, and someone struggling with lust could twist anything beautiful into fuel for their addiction. Or maybe, truly beautiful dressing - the kind that is an art, the kind that is so classy that you notice the woman and not her clothes - will serve to elevate everyone's thoughts among the murk and mud of our culture. So, I exhort you go forth and dress beautifully! Dress to impress! Dress in a way that suits the occasion, and that makes you feel beautiful! Because you are, a beautiful child of God.

The Spiritual Weight Room

As another new year approaches, I am again bombarded with healthy recipes, sales on diet supplements, and quick fix exercise plans on my newsfeed and in my inbox. I read the public resolutions folks make to eat less, move more, and improve a myriad of personal flaws. And I just. Don't. Get. It.

I've never been someone who starts over on Monday, or vows to eat better "tomorrow". I only have this day, and it is far too short and precious to either beat myself up over mistakes, or miss opportunities to exercise my body, mind, and spirit.

You might think that's all fine and well for Miss Fitness to preach, but what do I really know about the struggle? About your personal struggles - not much. However, I can tell you what mine have taught me and maybe something will resonate.

The more I think about my prayer life as a weight room, the more sense it makes. The inertia, the setbacks, the one-step-forward-two-steps-back feelings. Also the joy and inner peace that hard, sweaty, uncomfortable work brings.

What lifting weights has taught me about prayer is this:
- You don't quit simply because results aren't immediately apparent.
- Overcoming inertia when you are out of shape is HARD.
- It can be so discouraging, especially in the beginning, when all you feel is soreness and burning lungs and self consciousness, and maybe your loved ones don't support you or care. You see no end to the suffering, you see no fruits from your labor. But go back into that weight room you must.
- Those first days back HURT so much. Actually, it is always going to hurt, at least a little.
- If it isn't uncomfortable, you need to check yourself and dig deeper until it is.
- It is much easier to stay "fit" than to visit the gym in random, guilt-ridden spurts.
-Results don't appear and gains don't stick if you aren't consistent.
- It is madness to train toward some goal and then stop when you get there. Exercise and prayer don't work like that. This battle will NEVER end. There is no rest till we die!
- It doesn't matter if you don't feel like doing it. You do it anyway.
- Guilt and fear can be powerful drivers, but a LOVE for what you are doing will make it a life long pursuit. It might take ages to get to that point but....what else are you doing that is more important?
- When you hear an inner voice correcting you ("kneel DOWN when you pray!" or, "it's time to put more plates on that bar"), DO IT. Don't hesitate. It is hard at first, but obeying that still, small voice - the one asking you to take the path of most resistance - is leading you to great holiness. And buffness? Maybe both. Sweet.

Do you have to choose the exercise plan that will take up loads of time, require lots of equipment, and wear down your body to the point of injury? Nope. You also don't have to commence a prayer life with daily rosaries. Take it from a total spiritual slacker: giving 15 focused minutes a day to the God of the Universe who lowered Himself and took on flesh to save me from death sometimes seems like.....too much. Pathetic, I know, but I am a weakling in the spiritual weight room. I have to start light and work my way up. An, "I love you, Jesus!" here, a, "have mercy on me, a sinner!" there, is sometimes all I muster in a day. But pray daily, I must. I must also obey - instantly - that small voice that calls me gently but firmly to better myself. To pray an extra Hail Mary, just because. To run for an extra minute even when my lungs are screaming. To pick up the rosary when I feel spiritually dry and physically exhausted.

This isn't a resolution for the New Year, or for next week, or for Monday. This is stuff for NOW because the present is all we have. It is the most deadly serious business, and it doesn't respect your calendar.

Don't Take Offense - Try This Instead

I have just read yet another blog post about what not to say to expectant mothers, mothers of many, couples without children, or mothers of few. I am wondering who the audience is of these posts, and whether the offending parties are going to be exposed to these lists, or whether they would even care. Are they able to recognize in themselves the offensive behaviour that sparks all these angry mama blog posts? I cannot imagine the well-meaning-yet-tactless people in my life reading these types of articles and/or taking them to heart. They probably have no idea that when they ask us if we are having more children, trying for a particular sex, or if we are done, that they are leaving us offended or triggering some kind of deep wound. I think it might be more sensible, if not more easy, for us as the mommies to have responses ready. No, I do not mean the snark-filled responses that I have seen on other blog posts. Lists of quirky, sarcastic things to say in response to the usual questions well-meaning strangers ask. Yes, I said WELL-MEANING! Why can't we assume the best about our brothers and sisters? Why must we think that someone is sincerey and maliciously probing for deep, personal information? Why must we take things so personally? Why not get outside of our own heads (and while we are at it, get our heads out of our butts), and use this as an opportunity for evangelization and charity? I personally love these opportunities to express my openness to God's plan for my family size. Sometimes I even mention that I use natural family planning! No, it is not a the business of the person who asked if we "are done" having kids, but are we not called to correct those in error? With great love? I find a genuine, honest sharing of information is positive and can be fruitful. At the very least it quiets a person down without shutting them down. At the very best, it can plant a seed of thought, and perhaps direct their dialogue to more appropriate veins in future. It may even lead to them reconsidering their thoughts on family size, family planning, and birth control! When they see our joy, and hear our positive yet honest responses, they may be pleasantly surprised. If we immediately come back with biting sarcasm, or make it clear that their comments are not appreciated, we may have lost that opportunity.

Here is my list of positie responses to common and well-meaning (however thoughtless) comments and questions about our family:
1. Are you hoping for a boy / girl?
- I will be pleased with whatever the Lord provides! More boys (in my case) means fewer new things to buy, but having a girl would be a fun and new experience! Either way I feel so blessed.
2. Are you done?
- I don't know what God has in store for us next, but we continue to prayerfully discern that question every day! (Could be the segue to an NFP discussion!)
3. You've got your hands full!
- I don't find this remotely offensive. Folks tell me this with a smile on their face every time. Sometimes I just say, "yeah. Aren't they cute?". People are just being conversational, and if we shut down every remark out of their mouth regarding our family, we are going to lose opportunities. Not to mention our peace of mind!
4. Was it planned?
- Ok, I admit this crosses a line for me, but what a great chance for an NFP discussion! If a stranger does not wish to hear me joyfully discussing my cervical mucus signs, then they probably should not have asked this question in the first place. Note that I am NOT sarcastic or rude when I respond to them, I give them cheerful yet honest information; "I track my fertility signs, so we were able to plan Junior's conception with the accuray of a lunar landing! I know my due date better than my OB!" I realize that not everybody will be comfortable with this response. In which case you can simply answer "no", and be done with that conversation. No need to let a senseless comment destroy your joy and ruin the rest of your day or week. Let it go.

Now, I have not addressed questions that come to those of us who have dealt with devastating loss or infertility. Obviously these questions open deeper wounds and trigger emotions these strangers cannot fathom. I cannot tell you what to say, but I use the same rules that I did up above in responding to family size questions. I am honest and I am cheerful. I do not hold back from telling people about my losses, if that is an appropriate response to their question. Miscarriage, stillbirth, and infertility are part of this world and a part of so many women's lives that it seems unfathomable that people these days don't realize it. Once again, you have the opportunity to plant a seed in someone's heart. Why not be brave and go for it? It seems like a better option than wallowing in personal hurt and anger over every perceived barb that comes your way.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, the tactless people are always going to be among us. Let us use their goofy questions as an opportunity to educate, evangelize, and show great love and joy. Don't let senseless blather steal your joy or ruin your day. Forget the lists of what-not-to-say to people who are never going to read them, and be ready with your own happy responses to the inevitable. Probably at your next grocery store trip or family gathering! ;)