I have just read yet another blog post about what not to say to expectant mothers, mothers of many, couples without children, or mothers of few. I am wondering who the audience is of these posts, and whether the offending parties are going to be exposed to these lists, or whether they would even care. Are they able to recognize in themselves the offensive behaviour that sparks all these angry mama blog posts? I cannot imagine the well-meaning-yet-tactless people in my life reading these types of articles and/or taking them to heart. They probably have no idea that when they ask us if we are having more children, trying for a particular sex, or if we are done, that they are leaving us offended or triggering some kind of deep wound. I think it might be more sensible, if not more easy, for us as the mommies to have responses ready. No, I do not mean the snark-filled responses that I have seen on other blog posts. Lists of quirky, sarcastic things to say in response to the usual questions well-meaning strangers ask. Yes, I said WELL-MEANING! Why can't we assume the best about our brothers and sisters? Why must we think that someone is sincerey and maliciously probing for deep, personal information? Why must we take things so personally? Why not get outside of our own heads (and while we are at it, get our heads out of our butts), and use this as an opportunity for evangelization and charity? I personally love these opportunities to express my openness to God's plan for my family size. Sometimes I even mention that I use natural family planning! No, it is not a the business of the person who asked if we "are done" having kids, but are we not called to correct those in error? With great love? I find a genuine, honest sharing of information is positive and can be fruitful. At the very least it quiets a person down without shutting them down. At the very best, it can plant a seed of thought, and perhaps direct their dialogue to more appropriate veins in future. It may even lead to them reconsidering their thoughts on family size, family planning, and birth control! When they see our joy, and hear our positive yet honest responses, they may be pleasantly surprised. If we immediately come back with biting sarcasm, or make it clear that their comments are not appreciated, we may have lost that opportunity.
Here is my list of positie responses to common and well-meaning (however thoughtless) comments and questions about our family:
1. Are you hoping for a boy / girl?
- I will be pleased with whatever the Lord provides! More boys (in my case) means fewer new things to buy, but having a girl would be a fun and new experience! Either way I feel so blessed.
2. Are you done?
- I don't know what God has in store for us next, but we continue to prayerfully discern that question every day! (Could be the segue to an NFP discussion!)
3. You've got your hands full!
- I don't find this remotely offensive. Folks tell me this with a smile on their face every time. Sometimes I just say, "yeah. Aren't they cute?". People are just being conversational, and if we shut down every remark out of their mouth regarding our family, we are going to lose opportunities. Not to mention our peace of mind!
4. Was it planned?
- Ok, I admit this crosses a line for me, but what a great chance for an NFP discussion! If a stranger does not wish to hear me joyfully discussing my cervical mucus signs, then they probably should not have asked this question in the first place. Note that I am NOT sarcastic or rude when I respond to them, I give them cheerful yet honest information; "I track my fertility signs, so we were able to plan Junior's conception with the accuray of a lunar landing! I know my due date better than my OB!" I realize that not everybody will be comfortable with this response. In which case you can simply answer "no", and be done with that conversation. No need to let a senseless comment destroy your joy and ruin the rest of your day or week. Let it go.
Now, I have not addressed questions that come to those of us who have dealt with devastating loss or infertility. Obviously these questions open deeper wounds and trigger emotions these strangers cannot fathom. I cannot tell you what to say, but I use the same rules that I did up above in responding to family size questions. I am honest and I am cheerful. I do not hold back from telling people about my losses, if that is an appropriate response to their question. Miscarriage, stillbirth, and infertility are part of this world and a part of so many women's lives that it seems unfathomable that people these days don't realize it. Once again, you have the opportunity to plant a seed in someone's heart. Why not be brave and go for it? It seems like a better option than wallowing in personal hurt and anger over every perceived barb that comes your way.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, the tactless people are always going to be among us. Let us use their goofy questions as an opportunity to educate, evangelize, and show great love and joy. Don't let senseless blather steal your joy or ruin your day. Forget the lists of what-not-to-say to people who are never going to read them, and be ready with your own happy responses to the inevitable. Probably at your next grocery store trip or family gathering! ;)
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