Haters Gonna Hate.....on NFP Teachers

So you're taking Pre Cana classes with your beloved, and the time comes for the Intro to Natural Family Planning (NFP). A nice looking, middle-aged couple speaks to you about the wonders of NFP in their marriage; how they recreate their courtship and honeymoon every month through the practice of periodic abstinence (though now that they are in menopause those sweet, romantic days are behind them). They assure you that all 12 of their children were planned using the method and that they will be delighted to see you at the full instructional series so you can get better acquainted with your cervical mucus!

Let's analyze this couple's motives. Are they here teaching because:
a) The Diocese of Wherever provides them with a hefty stipend
b) They are sadists who enjoy watching couples writhe in awkwardness as they discuss the "post-intercourse discharge" guidelines
c) Something about the practice of NFP spoke to them in their marriage to the extent that they feel compelled to share it with others

I get the impression that many couples, even years into the trenches of practicing NFP, harbor some bitterness about their marriage prep classes in general, and NFP in particular. I, too wrote off my instructors as irrelevant, out of touch, and full of platitudes that could but scratch the surface of "real world" NFP. I was right....and I was wrong.

My husband and I started teaching NFP about a year into practicing it in our own marriage. This is why:
1) Our instructors mentioned that our diocese needed more teachers and thought we'd be great
2) We saw NFP work some good in our marriage - though it certainly isn't a magic bullet - and wanted to share that with others
3) We had a reversion testimony that made us unique.

Most teaching couples in our group either had a bunch of babies and were 40 yrs or older, or else came to NFP late and had 1-2, or else were young and SO, SO PURE and holy that it frankly scared us dirty sinners. My husband and I thought we'd be easy to relate to because we cohabitated and hadn't initially liked NFP.

These were our motives, and I'm guessing your NFP teachers were/are there because they love you, too! It's not the money. Trust me.

I think criticism is warranted when teaching couples are not presenting scientific data accurately or don't have the sources to back up their claims, or else over-inflate the good or bad depending on the topic. When we taught, there was a script, but of course we were free to insert anecdotes or place more emphasis in certain places. I knew our students were intelligent and I made sure our info was well researched. When I couldn't find an answer in our teacher's manuals I'd ask our own instructor trainers and do research online until I got to the truth.

What I couldn't do was tell you how NFP would make you feel, or the frustrations it would bring you specifically. Maybe the abstinence won't be so hard, but you'll be horrified to find you only get a good basal body temp vaginally (!), or else you have irregular periods or some pathology that makes charting extra-challenging. Maybe your spouse won't help you out, but demand you follow the "rules" all the same. Maybe you have had trouble with chastity and you are scared that abstinence will drive your spouse to seek illicit means for pleasure. Maybe you will never be able to find your cervix...

I don't think publishing all the possibilities for frustration when you are charting "in the trenches" makes good sense. For one, we don't have enough time to get into it when we are taking an in-depth course on female fertility and human reproduction, checking your charts, following up with you individually, and being available 24/7 by phone for questions. You are just not there yet. You won't know about the hard stuff until you arrive. You won't know the agony of losing a baby or the sorrow of infertility or the fear of conceiving when you just CAN'T right now until you are there. And when you are there, that couple that taught you is praying for you, and they will always ALWAYS be praying for you.

I've wailed and beaten my breast plenty about NFP over the years, but maybe not for the reasons you have. I don't know what your cross will be but I DO know that I taught with love and a commitment to the truth.

So whether you are in the trenches or just starting marriage prep, trying to conceive or trying to space, try to cut your teachers a little slack. Try praying for us, too.

How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Cry Room

I was so smug. My super easy infant, my dapper husband and I, attending the Extraordinary form of the Mass, raising eyebrows at those who couldn't wrangle their children into pious submission. Raising our eyebrows even higher at those who brought their children to the Novus Ordo Mass and allowed them to scamper around on the pews, dropping Cheerios and ripping hymnals with wild abandon. "We won't suffer OUR child to behave in such a barbarous way! And we certainly won't bribe with food!".

Hahaha...
Hahahahahahahahahaha!!

Ha.

That was before we had a 3 year old and a 2 month old. That's before our son raised the doleful lamentation, "NO CHURCH!", and wept during the entire drive - and attempted to escape throughout Mass.

He knows it's coming when I start styling my hair. Because I NEVER style my hair. He sees me get out my fancy clothes and cries of, "no church!" begin. I try to tell him that Jesus is going to give himself to us in the Eucharist and it is a small sacrifice to spend a couple hours in church when Christ DIED for us. Yeah, that line of reasoning has been shockingly unsuccessful.

So you know what I did this past Sunday? I went to what I've snarkily called EZ-Mass at my local parish. While the Latin Mass is held in a small, historic church with creaky wood floors and questionable air conditioning, the Novus Ordo is held in the ginormous church down the street, replete with a CRY ROOM! The place incompetent parents take their snot-nosed monsters with their noisy toys and Cheerios, right? Wrong. As usual, I am so so wrong.

This particular cry room is huge, has a wall full of wooden rocking chairs, an en suite bathroom with a baby changing table, an adjustable volume control so you can actually hear the Mass, and flat screen TVs that show everything going on up at the altar.

It isn't a place for bad parents or bad kids. It isn't a place where couples who are - hello - fulfilling their wedding vows by being fruitful are sequestered with their ugly spawn. It is a courtesy and a luxury this parish has been able to afford. It allows parents to bring their whole family to Mass and pray in comfort while their kids behave like, well, kids. Cheerios are ok. Quiet toys are fine. And wiggling and strolling around? That's cool, nobody is judging you in here.

This is my new little haven for this season of parenthood, and I humbly admit that I was wrong about the cry room.

I've got my Cheerios packed for next week.

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